Guineans and Sex

So tonight I had a rather illuminating conversation with a friend of mine.

It all starts when I ask if there’s a marriage going on (heard singing) and he says yes and I say why the heck haven’t I been invited to a marriage? And he says he’ll invite me to the next one. Then we start to discuss the ages at which people marry here, and he says that it is not uncommon for a 12 year old girl to marry a 50 year old man. And I say this is not good because girls that age are not ready to have kids and whatnot. He basically says, “if there’s grass on the field, play ball.” I explain that while her TUMMY might be ready for babies, her HEAD isn’t. “Ca c’est vrai” he says.

We start to talk about excision. I say it’s not good. It’s bad for women’s health, bad for birth and bad for sex. I ask why Guineans excise women. He says because if they are not excised, they’re sluts, basically. He says he has had sex with both excised women and non-excised women. He says he prefers the non-excised women (whom he claims are all Christians from the Forest region) because they are happy to have sex. Excised women, he says, cry during sex, and afterwards tell you not to touch them. I want to cry just sitting there on my porch.

I spend an hour trying to make him (and another friend who happened by, at this point) understand that, “if non-excised women AND excised women BOTH have sex outside of marriage, why excise?” They come to the realization that it’s pointless after mounting the argument that excised women have to be forced into sex before marriage (and after, really) and non-excised women don’t, they want to do it. I say, “but they are both still having sex before marriage, n’est pas?” A look of comprehension finally dawns on their faces. They condemn excision.

I push further and ask why it’s ok for him to have sex outside of marriage but not for women. He says, “because I’m a man!” DUH. I tell him he is no better than a woman and that everyone is equal.

Multiple wives. I am trying to explain why having multiple wives and ridiculous numbers of children are one of the main causes of poverty. While this message eventually gets through, one thing they both insist on is that there are way more women in the world than men and it is necessary for men to marry more than one. I tell them this is absolutely not true and throw out a figure I think I heard once: 51% of the population are female while 49% are male. They say it is more like 60-40. I ask them where they heard this. They say the teachers tell them this at school.

I explain that there are people in the United States that don’t have sex until marriage. Already knowing that we typically don’t get married until 20 or later, he says, “you mean there are virgin women who are 20??” And I say, “of course. Men too.” His mouth drops in an expression of utter disbelief. He says you can’t tell whether or not a man has ever had sex. I tell him in the States there is no reason to lie about NOT having had sex. Men only lie about HAVING had sex. He asks why people, 20 years old, would never have had sex. I say some of them are religious and do it because the bible or the Koran or their religious leader said so. Others because their parents might kill them (not literally), others because they don’t want to do it before marriage and still others who can’t find anyone to have sex with them. At this last group, he balks. “Oumou!” he says, “aren’t there prostitutes???” I choke on my popcorn and it takes me a good five minutes to recover. Then it takes another ten minutes to get across the idea that in the States, it is not cool to sleep with prostitutes, as it is here. If someone sleeps with prostitutes in the States, they don’t talk about it. And a prostitute is a lousy way to lose your virginity, anyway. I try to explain the concept of love. They don’t really understand that here. Here you marry for money or kids or because your parents tell you to. Marrying for love is completely foreign.

Then he hits me with the real bombshell. “Well, can’t they just force a woman to have sex with them?” I realize that when he told me that he didn’t know ANYONE under 20 who was a virgin it was because half of them were rapists. I ask him if his friends have forced women to have sex with them. He says, “of course.” I don’t have the heart to ask if HE has, afraid to know the answer. I tell him that is illegal in the States and if you do it you go to jail. He asks if that’s true even if the woman is your wife. I say yes. He is flabbergasted.

I am depressed.